Kelly Lannon Counseling

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Memorial Day: A Day of Grief

A day of remembrance. A day to endure.

If you are a Veteran, Service Member, or loved one of either you have either felt or witnessed the impact of military-related loss. This Memorial Day is likely to be even more difficult for everyone. After a year of isolation, death, and difficulty – mental health struggles have only increased. Looking toward this years’ intersection of the past year and this holiday has a possibility of being significantly more difficult for our focus population.

I could go into an entire conversation about the difference of Memorial Day and Veterans Day, the struggle of being told “Happy Memorial Day” while grieving, and what it’s like to hear people more concerned about being able to go to a barbecue… but there are already plenty of articles written about that all over the internet. The way I would like to honor our fallen this Memorial Day is to discuss grief, ways of coping, and ways to assist others who are struggling.

Carrying Grief

Grief is a complicated struggle.

It does not have an expiration date, it does not just go away, and it impacts our worldview. It is more difficult and complex than the social understanding of the 5 stages of grief would have you believe. Even psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross has discussed frustration of the misunderstanding of the model. It was never meant to be a step-by-step program or the only way to view grief. Grief is so much more complicated and unique to each individual person and loss. An individual may have vastly different experiences to types of losses in their lives; from a partner, friend, battle buddy, pet, colleague, parent, or child – none of these are going to feel the same in our heart, body, and mind. They impact our lives differently, but each loss is still impactful – still meaningful.

The observation and practices of differing cultures have a significant impact on how grief is expressed and experienced. Some traditions may focus on the celebration of life, whereas others sit in the grief for days on end. Recognizing there are many ways of grieving is important in holding space for others. Especially in a world where there are so many expectations placed upon the griever to hurry up and move on. If only it were that easy.

We cannot silence the pain we feel in grief for long. In some way, fashion, or form it will be heard; and the reality is it needs to be heard. Bessel van der Kolk talks about this in relation to trauma, but it is just as important in grief: Your body remembers, it knows the pain you have experienced. During trauma and grief, our stress levels rise, which increases cortisol production, thus impacting the rest of our body (for example: brain functions for your respiratory and nervous systems become affected, as well as your heart rate). Recognizing how your body reacts to stress is important because grief and trauma overlap significantly, often walking hand in hand with one another. The idea of safety becomes a difficult concept to imagine or feel. Relying on old comforts of believing your worst fears won’t come true no longer hold value. Your worldview may feel more dangerous or volatile. These individual struggles often cycle off each other, when a trauma is triggered – the grief is right beside or after it, and vice versa. Recognizing these as real issues that need to be discussed – acknowledged – is incredibly important in moving forward.

Expectations we place on ourselves, and that others place on us make it more difficult to just be in our grief. The feeling of needing to get back to “normal” is overwhelming and exhausting. Well-meaning statements about time healing all and things happening for a reason are infuriating and invalidating at the same time. In the process of initial grief, we often find an additional loss of the people we have relied on. People who don’t know how, or cannot be there for us in our difficult time. A re-arranging of everyday life takes place, but we are expected to pick back up where we left off before our world changed? Finding ways to manage the stressors, changes, and emotions are necessary in integrating the loss we have experienced.

Coping in a pandemic?!

It can be hard to find the best ways of coping with our grief. Especially since places are closed, gatherings are limited, and oh, there is still a global pandemic happening. To some, it may feel as if there aren’t a lot of ways to honor the people we have lost, and to an extent that’s true right now. It just means we need to adapt and overcome to find new, creative ways of honoring those we have lost. Here are some main points to focus on while coping with grief:

Acknowledge the pain:
Recognizing and naming the concerns we have help us move toward a state of healing.
It gives it less power over us.
Understand that grief can trigger many unexpected emotions.

Reach out to loved ones: Completely isolating can allow the grief the space to burrow further inside.

Self-Care:
Should go without saying, but it is one of the first things to go. Grief is powerful and can/will stop us completely in our tracks.
Getting sleep, eating (healthy if possible, but at all is good), and physical activity – walks, hikes, bike rides – if possible.
Inside your grief, try to remember to put yourself first, the cliché of putting on your own mask is incredibly relevant here.

Tell the story. Humans are storytellers, evidenced throughout history; but that doesn’t mean you are ready to tell yours out loud.
Find a way to tell your story, whether it is through a conversation with a trusted person, writing it out, painting it, or any other form of artistic expression (sculpture, graphic novels, quilting, collage, found poetry, photography, culinary arts, etc.).
Give your grief a voice.

Change the narrative!
Have you thought the following?
“I won’t recover.”
“I won’t be able to move on.”
“I won’t be able to return to who I was.”
If so, I would like for you to ask yourself the following: “How could you even begin to do these things?” Powerful events such as grief absolutely changes us. To believe we can go through horrible things and nothing about our lives change? That would be concerning. Learning to integrate this loss is where the focus can be most helpful to our own narrative of our grief. Recognize who is safe to hear your story, because not everyone deserves to and not everyone is capable of hearing it.

How do I help others?

When someone we care about is hurting, we want to assist them in ways that would be *actually* supportive. I have added some guidelines and examples to help, this is by no means an exhaustive list.

Acknowledgement – It does not matter how long ago their loss was. Listen to understand not respond.

Identify Needs – Offer specific support. Not the “let me know how I can help.” This adds to the burden the griever is already feeling.
Examples:
“I would like to bring you dinner on ____. Is that okay?”
“I would like to come over and help you around the house, laundry, cleaning, whatever needs to get done. Is ____ ok to come over?”

Comfort – This is not the time for advice.
Ask yourself if the thing you’re about to say will provide comfort and support to the person grieving. If not, don’t say it.
Remember empathy and sympathy are not the same thing.
Cliches are not helpful: “everything happens for a reason,” “it gets better with time,” or “they are in a better place.” Even if you truly believe these statements, or that yes, time does change the intensity for some, it’s not appropriate.

Emotional – Name your feelings and desires in the moment and ask for consent.
Examples:
Would you like to hug them? “I would like to give you a hug, do you want one?”
Lean in/distraction: “I am here if you want to talk about it, if not I’ll just sit with you.”
Nothing to offer? “I don’t know what to say. It all feels small in comparison to what you’re going through.”

Educate Yourself – Learn about different types of grief.
If you are not a Veteran/Service Member/Loved one – research information on the experience to gain some knowledge and understanding.
Recognize there are different ways to grieve based on culture and religion. Do not assume they are compatible to your own.
Check into resources in the area for them.

Honoring Our Fallen

Finding a way to pay respects may be difficult, but it is not impossible. Here is a (not by any means exhaustive) list of things to do this year:

If marathons/running is something you’re interested in – look online for national or local events you can participate in.
Look into any charities that help families of the fallen and see if they have any needs you could assist with. Whether that is your time, energy, or support – they will be happy to have the help.
Visit memorials (safely and socially distanced) and pay your respects in person.
Reach out to people in your life who may have lost a service member/veteran and let them know you’re thinking of them.
Plant flowers/tree in memory of someone you lost. Giving life through the pain of loss.
Check out virtual events on social media that are honoring the fallen.
Read and learn about minority veterans/service members who have not received the recognition they deserve for their service. Immigrant, Women, Black/African American, Indigenous American, Pacific Islander, and LBGTQIA+ Communities to name a few. Honor their sacrifices.

Last Thoughts

There are many reasons I felt this specific topic was incredibly important this year. Grief has been something we have all dealt with in various ways over the past year. There has been a collective loss of people, experiences, and things that would be too long of a list if I tried. The main point is that we have all lost something. Talking to people who have experienced significant losses this past year may find it more difficult due to the personal triggers that have arisen. Check in with yourself once you have talked to someone struggling around this Memorial Day, and allow them (and yourselves) to feel through the pain.

I also felt it was important from a personal stance. Grief is so taboo still in our culture and society that people don’t feel comfortable either talking about their own or hearing about others’ grief. As if it is somehow contagious. But it is the one thing we all have in common. We have all lost something at some point in our lives that was important. We may cope with that grief differently, but we all experience some level of it. Grief is no stranger in my life; before, during, and after my time in the Air Force I have experienced all types and levels of grief. On Memorial Day this year I will be honoring those I served beside in the states and in Iraq. I will honor my fellow service-members and friends who lost their battles with mental health, who completed suicide. I hope you will join me this year by honoring the fallen; the lost soldiers, airmen, sailors, marines, and coast guardsmen; and those who lost their own battles when they couldn’t find their way out of the darkness.

Resources

Veterans & Military Crisis Line: 1-800-273-8255, press “1”; text to 838255; chat VeteransCrisisLine.net

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255, and stay on the line to be directed to your closest service.

Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS): 800-959-8277; TAPS.org
Support for anyone who has suffered the loss of a military loved one. Peer-based emotional support, grief and trauma resources, casework assistance, and connections to community based care. Support regardless of the circumstances of loss.

Books:

Featured

Who Am I?

Hello everyone, and welcome to my website/blog! Here I will write about some concerns regarding counseling, struggles people have, and many other tips and skills that may be useful. I will also tackle some difficult topics, and will write at the beginning whether it may have some triggering concerns for people. Since my specialty is trauma, there may be more of that type of content here. Trauma can be incredibly exhausting, and I want to try and help others cope and manage as best as possible.

Now, who am I? As you probably read on my website, I am a combat veteran from the Air Force. I served from 2003-2007, and was in Iraq from 2005-2006. Why am I including this information here? Well, I want people who come and see me who I am and a little about my background because while you are in session, it’s about YOU, and not about me. It can be helpful for veterans and active duty to understand I have been through similar struggles. I truly believe everyone can benefit from therapy, with the right therapist, and at the right times. I received my Masters in Community Mental Health Counseling in June 2014. I still work in a Veteran Affairs position, so I cannot discuss that part of my current job; however, I want you to know it’s in the mental health field and I help those in crisis or who are struggling with suicidal ideations.

I am very happy to have the opportunity to work with people when they need it most. If you have any questions, concerns, or comments, please send them to me. I will get back to you as soon as possible. Take care, and reach out if you are looking for a therapist like me!

KellyLannonCounseling@gmail.com

470-485-3938

PTSD & the LGBTQIA+ Community

*Discussions of trauma can bring up significant discomfort for people who have experienced their own trauma. As a warning, some of the content in this article may be triggering*

I believe it’s incredibly important to talk about this mental health struggle (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)). Especially as it relates to the LGBTQIA+ Community, as it has been found over years of studying that trauma affects communities and individuals who are most vulnerable. Some of the most common traumas include hate (discrimination or violence), intimate partner violence, and assault (physical and sexual).

Terms & Definitions
Needed to assist you in understanding this topic and to also become a better ally to the LGBTQIA+ community.

For further information: https://www.hrc.org/resources/glossary-of-terms

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Most people have at least heard the term PTSD. It has been discussed on news media, social media, and in the families and friend groups of those who have experienced the effects. But do you know and understand what it is and what it looks like? How it effects the people around you, or effects the community as a whole? I will do a brief breakdown of what PTSD is for you and then talk about what it looks like in general.
PTSD is a trauma disorder has been around for many years, but has not always gone by the same name. Nostalgia (1761), Soldier’s Heart (Civil War), Shell Shock (1919), Battle Fatigue/Combat Stress Reaction (WWII), Gross Stress Reaction (1952), and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (1980). PTSD itself was initially reported as an Anxiety Disorder, as a significant amount of the symptoms are also found in anxiety; however, the DSM 5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) labels it under a new category of Trauma- and Stressor-Related Disorders.
There are multiple factors that go into being diagnosed with PTSD.
First, exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence. This is a direct experience, one you witnessed, something happening to close family/friend, or repeated/extreme exposure.
Second, there must be intrusive symptoms. Recurrent, involuntary, intrusive memories; recurrent and distressing dreams; dissociative reactions (flashbacks – feeling or acting as if the event were happening now); intense, prolonged psychological distress when being triggered; and/or significant physiological reactions when triggered.
Third, persistent avoidance connected to traumatic event. Avoiding, or trying to avoid: memories, thoughts or feelings relating to event; and/or people, places, conversations, activities, etc associated with the event.
Fourth, negative alterations in cognition and mood. Having difficulty remembering important aspect of the event; persistent and exaggerated negative beliefs or expectations about self, others, or the world; persistent, distorted cognitions about the cause or consequence of the event leading to blame self or others; persistent negative emotional state; significant lack of interest or participation in activities; feeling detached or estranged from others; and/or persistent inability to experience positive emotions.
Fifth, marked alterations in arousal and reactivity. Irritability and angry outbursts; reckless or self-destructive behavior; hypervigilance; exaggerated startle response; difficulty concentrating; and/or sleep difficulties.

The duration of symptoms must be more than a month long. It must cause clinically significant distress or impairment in a person’s life. Symptoms cannot be better explained by the effects of a drug or other medical condition. If you want the whole criteria, you can go through it here: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK207191/box/part1_ch3.box16/

The most common reason you will hear about PTSD is from Military Combat, and while that is one significant population who may experience PTSD, it is by far not the only population. People who have experienced sexual assaults, molestation, sexual harassment, car accidents, losing someone tragically, and hate crimes are some of the many other experiences that could cause someone to develop PTSD. There are many treatments out there for someone who wants to get help, and I will list those toward the end of the post.

Someone who experiences PTSD may have troubles trusting those in their lives. One reason this may be is because the traumatic event that happened may have been done by someone they trusted previously. Most sexual assaults are committed by someone the person knows. Intimate Partner Violence is too common, and it causes a person to have a skewed perception of love and trust in themselves. This leads people to have difficulties opening up and trusting another person. This makes all types of relationships hard. Friendships, partnerships, family connectedness, coworkers, peers can all look like a source of future trauma and pain. Maybe a person who used to be the life of the party acts more shy and demure; maybe a friend who used to go out with you all the time all of a sudden wants to stay home and finds constant excuses to not go out; it might be the family member who stops coming to functions; it may be the person you see at the park who drops to the ground because a truck backfired nearby; or it may not be any of these. There are so many possibilities of changed behavior, someone who doesn’t appear to be the same as they were “before” the event.

PTSD in the LGBTQ+ Community

I mentioned a few specific instances the LGBTQIA+ experience most commonly: hate, intimate partner violence, and assaults. I want to dig in a little in what that may look like.

Hate: discrimination or violence. The LGBTQIA+ population has been a target of both discrimination and violence for far too long. The first place a person often experiences this hatred is in the home. Parents, other close family members, or caregivers who have prejudice against this population will often feel safe making their opinions or beliefs known early. Whether it is something that happens in the news, someone they know coming out, or seeing something in a movie/TV show or hearing a song that references LGBTQIA+ love. It usually comes out in a form of disgust, “unnatural” comments, or religious testimony about why it’s wrong. If this is the first experience someone has about the population, it is going to be much harder for this person to accept themselves and their identity. Listen to gay men in the community and you will often hear stories that include: a parent trying to “beat” the femininity out of them, telling a child it’s not right to play with “girl” toys, “boys don’t cry,” or the hyper heterosexual talk about being a “ladies man” or is “flirting” with women. All of these, and more, are telling that child that their natural inclinations are wrong and not gender appropriate. Young girls are told from a young age that if someone assaults them it means “they like you,” which perpetuates violence as they get older. It makes violence seem normal. Young girls are pushed into fields that are more “feminine” and appropriate toward gender stereotypes. Women are told that it’s their fault when they are assaulted because of what they were wearing, what they did or didn’t say, how they acted, or are just blamed for any perceived slight.

Historical Trauma: Massive group traumas that an individual is exposed to throughout their life and across generations. Typically due to hatred of the community, discrimination, and biases.

Examples include:

Native Populations, sterilization abuse and genocides
Holocaust Survivors and descendants
Japanese American Internment Camp survivors and descendants
Orlando Pulse Nightclub massacre
Mathew Shepherd murder in 1990s
Assassination of Harvey Milk
Stonewall

Internalized oppression: When a collective group of people are systemically oppressed for centuries, it can lead to generations of those descendants to internalize these messages as internal truths. This is true of homophobia, racism, sexism, classism, etc… The most common internalize oppressive message in the LGBTQIA+ community is that who they are is inherently wrong because religious leaders and misinterpretations of the bible have informed them so. It does not mean that this is the truth, it just means that because of how they grew up and the messages they received, it is believed as truth. This causes guilt, shame, and living a life that is not reflective of who they truly are.

Microaggressions: Everyday, subtle, intentional or unintentional behaviors communicating a bias toward marginalized groups. You may not be aware you are doing it, but once you gain the knowledge it is your responsibility to change that behavior to be more inclusive and respectful of others. A great article on what this is, and how to check whether or not you are doing this is:

https://www.apa.org/monitor/2009/02/microaggression

Intimate Partner Violence: abuse in relationships. There is not enough awareness of IPV in same-sex relationships. IPV is physical, sexual, emotional, and psychological abuse.
People who identify as bisexual are 2x as likely to experience IPV than non-bisexual people.

Prevalence:
– Bisexual Women 56.9%
– Lesbian Women 40.4%
– Heterosexual Women 32.3%
– Gay men 26.9%
– People who identify as Transgender are 2x as likely, and Transgender people of color are 3.69 times more likely, to experience IPV in public areas, than those who do not identify as Transgender. Prevalence ranges from 31.1-50%

Why is this population more at risk?
~Fear of:
– Perpetuating further stereotypes
– Disclosing to family/friends who are resistant to the relationship
– Perceptions of self

~Health care professionals/institutions not being supportive and being dismissive
– Legal definitions exclude same-sex couples
– Dangers of “outing” oneself
– Law enforcement have been unhelpful sources of assistance in addressing the issue

Assault: LGBTQ youth are more likely to experience sexual abuse than heterosexual youth. This is NOT the cause of someone’s sexual orientation.

Facts:
~Approximately 1 in 8 lesbian women and nearly half of bisexual women experience rape in their lifetime
– 48% of bisexual women who are rape survivors experienced their first rape between 11-17 years old
~Nearly half of bisexual men and 4 in 10 gay men have experienced sexual violence other than rape in their lifetime
~64% of transgender people have experienced sexual assault in their lifetime
~2015 US Transgender Survey found people of color were most likely to have been sexually assaulted in their lifetime:
– American Indian (65%)
– Multiracial (59%)
– Middle Eastern (58%)
– Black (53%)

Other Risk Factors:
~ Inadequate or no access to healthcare
~ Lack of connection with family
– Disconnection or abandonment
– Family rejection: Pressure placed on children to conform to heteronormative gender expectations result in these children being 8x as likely to attempt suicide, 6x as likely to report high levels of depression, 3x as likely to use drugs, and 3x as likely to be at risk for HIV and STDs.
~ Adversity in cultural norms
~ PTSD:
– Frequency, timeframe, and severity of trauma
– Responsiveness from others
* Are they believed?
* Is the system they’re in responsive?
* Bullying?
– Unemployment or homelessness
– Body Dysphoria
– Religious rejection
– Family rejection
– Gender non-conforming students who have been victimized are at greater risk of developing PTSD later in life.
~ High Rates of Suicide:
– LGB youth are 4x as likely to attempt
– When families reject them, LGB youth at 8.4x as likely to attempt as compared to peers with low or no levels of family rejection
– Transgender or gender non-conforming people can reach up to 42-46% suicide rate

What do these facts mean?
Well, there are many pervasive issues within the community that need to be acknowledged. The LGBTQ+ population and people of color have been hypersexualized by society. They are then told by that society they are the problem and reason for their own assaults. The LGBTQ+ community struggle with poverty, stigma, and marginalization at higher rates; and each of these issues specifically put them at higher risk for sexual assault. There is a higher rate of violence motivated by hate, specifically homophobia.

It should come at no surprise that the populations who have been most effected by sexual assault are women of color and indigenous women, whose populations have a history of slavery and colonization, resulting in a devaluation of black and brown bodies. If you take those populations, and add in additional identifiers of LGBTQ+ population, people with disabilities, and other intersections of who they are, you have the highest risk populations.

Awareness
I know this post had a lot of facts and information thrown in. It can be a lot, and at times overwhelming. For that reason alone it is important to talk about. People in the LGBTQIA+ Community have lived their lives with microaggressions and hatred thrown at them simply for being who they are. No one asks someone who is cisgendered and heterosexual when they decided they were their gender or when they decided they liked the opposite sex, because these are ingrained as the “norm” and the expected path. We call children “ladies’ man” or talk about “beating the boys off with a stick” when it comes to “daddy’s little girl.” We don’t talk about how these statements are harmful and sexualized. We are telling children from a young age what we expect of them by these statements, and then wonder why as a culture we make people feel less than for being themselves.

Learning to check our own expectations and truly adhere to the statement “as long as my child is healthy I don’t care what gender they are,” or any of the other cliche statements we make. We need to stand by these words and accept, truly accept, who our children say they are and who they love.

We as a society need to stop putting our expectations on others. We need to be inclusive, of all races, ethnicity, genders, class, disability, sexuality, and really just accept people for who, and as, they are. I know this is not something that will happen right away, but the more we try to bring awareness and understanding in our communities and families, the better the future will be for it.

Treatments for PTSD
Evidence Based:
Brief Eclectic Psychotherapy (BEP)
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT)
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
Medications
Narrative Exposure Therapy (NET)
Prolonged Exposure (PE)

Currently being researched:
Stress Inoculation Training
Written Narrative Exposure

Alternative:
Acupuncture
Equine
Meditation
Transcranial
Magnetic Stimulation
Yoga

Resources:
Anti-Violence Project212-714-1124 Bilingual 24/7 hotline

LGBT National Help Center888-843-4564https://www.glbthotline.org/peer-chat.html

National Youth Talkline800-246-7743https://www.glbthotline.org/youthchatrooms.html

Love is Respect Hotline866-331-9474 Phone & Text line 24/7loveisrespect.org chat service 24/7Offers education, support, and advocacy for Teens and Young Adults, as well as their concerned families and friends.

National Coalition of Anti-Violence 212-714-1141Avp.org/ncavp

National Domestic Violence Hotline800-799-7233Text LOVEIS to 22522

National Sexual Assault Hotline – can also refer you to a local rape crisis center1-800-656-HOPE (4673) 24/7 orOnline Counseling at https://ohl.rainn.org/online/

Trevor Project866-488-7386

Native/Indigenous American Resources:
NativeOUTnativeout.com

Transgender Resource Centerwww.tgrcnm.org

UNM LGBTQ Resource Centerlgbtqrc.unm.edu

We Are NativeWeRNative.org

Films:
Two Spirits – Story of Fred Martinez, Navajo/ Diné http://twospirits.org/

Consent Matters: A Sordid History

*Discussions of trauma can bring up significant discomfort for people who have experienced their own trauma. As a warning, some of the content in this article may be triggering*

Background
There have been many movements throughout history to recognize, build awareness around, and highlight the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse women face on a regular basis. Some big moments throughout history include, but are definitely not limited to:

Civil Rights Era (1940s-1950s)
Social activism (1970s) which brought about the first rape crisis center in San Francisco
Take Back the Night event (San Francisco, 1978)
Violence Against Women Act (VAWA, 1993)
National Sexual Violence Resource Center (2000)
Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM, 2001)
Barack Obama became the first President to officially proclaim April as Sexual Assault Awareness Month (2009)

One of the most important pieces to note when it comes to discussion of the growth of these programs and movements, they were largely due to Women of Color. Activists like Ida B. Wells and Rosa Parks, for example. Ida B. Wells organized and led anti-lynching campaigns, which also discussed sexual assaults on African American women. Rosa Parks in 1944 launched a nationwide campaign “The Committee for Equal Justice for Recy Taylor” which brought light to the fact that a all-white male grand jury refused to convict the men involved, even with a confession. Tarana Burke in 2006 was working on a project titled “Me Too,” which was not initially affiliated with the #MeToo movement in 2017 when women started speaking up after the accusations against Harvey Weinstein became public. Burke started her movement to assist women and girls – particularly those of color – who survived sexual assaults. I bring these specific instances up, not to shame or say that white cisgendered women do not have these struggles, but to state that often in this world women and girls of color are not heard the way white women often are. Even though we all have a voice, some are more amplified than others, and we all need to take some time to sit back and listen to others – especially those who do not look like ourselves – and hear their story (and not just to respond, but to truly listen).

Statistics & Information

Approximately 1 in 5 women, 21.3% estimating ~25.5 million women, in the US reported completed or attempted rape at some point in their lifetime.
About 2.6% of US men, estimated ~2.8 million men, experienced completed or attempted rape at some point in their lives.
Approximately 1 in 6 women, and 1 in 10 men, experienced sexual coercion at some point in their lives.
A majority of women and girls (81.3%) experienced their first completed or attempted sexual assault before age 25.
False reporting for sexual assault is low: between 2-10%

Military Sexual Trauma
As bad as the statistics are for women in the general population, I do feel it is important to also recognize the risks in the military community, across all branches. Some of those statistics:

1 in 4 women, and 1 in 100 men, report experiencing Military Sexual Trauma (MST).
In 2019 the Defense Department released their report on sexual assault in the military, estimating 20,500 instances of “unwanted sexual contact” in fiscal year 2018. This was an increase of 38% from 2016.
Women make up approximately 20% of the military, but 63% of assaults.
Youngest and lowest-ranking women are most at risk

Why don’t people report?!
The reality of both sets of statistics I provided are these are just based on reported experiences. The reasons women, and men, don’t report often outweigh the reasons they do. Some reasons I have heard, or have been reported by other studies include:

Justice system is broken. Perpetrators are not prosecuted a majority of the time, and when they are they are often let off with light sentences.
“No one believed me the first time.”
Fear of: losing their jobs, providing for their families, or being ostracized.
Being a subordinate in the military. Someone in their chain of command assaulted them.
Retaliation
“My word against his”
It was a family member, or trusted friend of the family
“We were (married, dating, engaged).”
Not enough proof
Victim Blaming
Alcohol was involved
Made to feel it’s their fault
Told to dismiss it by people they know
Lack of knowledge on how or who to report to
It was someone in law enforcement

These are just a few of the reasons people may not come forward. After all, one only needs to look at the past few years of nationally publicized accusations against famous people or politicians. Women are told they are lying, they (and their families) are threatened, they have to move, they are asked “what were you wearing,” or blamed for the amount of alcohol they consumed; while the men who are perpetrating these acts are often excused through statements like “he was drunk, he didn’t know what he was doing,” or talking about how an accusation is going to affect the rest of his life – dismissing the effects the assault has on the survivor.
When men are assaulted there are also a significant amount of harmful statements being tossed at them. If they are young and assaulted by an older female, older men in their lives are often saying they should feel lucky, or that they wish they had experienced something similar when they were younger. They are dismissed and made to feel shame for the way they feel.

Consent: the Who/What/Where/When/Why/How of it all

The culture surrounding sexual assault needs to change. It needs to start in earlier conversations with children and young adults regarding consent, and no I am not talking about discussing sexual consent with children. What I am referring to is bodily autonomy and ownership of self. Ways throughout modern history we have perpetuated an understanding in children that our own bodies do not belong to us can be simple, like the following example: telling children they have to give hugs or kisses to family/friends when someone comes (or you go) to visit. If a child does not feel comfortable doing so, making them only reinforces that their feelings of discomfort are less important than someone else’s feelings. Teaching this behavior early, and providing children with alternative ways of connecting with others is important. It teaches them that one way isn’t the only way. Having discussions with children about hugging and kissing, touching other people’s stuff, and the right to say yes/no is so important in their emotional and psychological development.
Where is all of this “consent talk with children” coming from you might be asking. I ask you to consider the following scenarios:

As a parent, when a family member comes over are you telling your child to give hugs and kisses to them when they arrive and when they leave? What are your children’s reactions to that? How do they physically respond?
If you are not a parent, think of a time when you were a kid and you were asked to give hugs and kisses to people coming and going at an event or gathering. How did you feel, what happened when you said no, what was it like to be forced into those situations?
If you did not have that experience, I encourage you to consider a time when a family member or friend introduced you to their child. Think of a time where it was slightly uncomfortable. Why? How did it feel for you to watch a child forced into an awkward situation? If you were upset they didn’t want to show affection to you, consider why your feelings (as an adult) are more important than the child feeling comfortable and safe?

Consent is not just about sex, but it certainly does teach a person growing up whether or not they have a right to be heard in any situation – including sex. A child who knows their yes/no should be valued is a child who is more likely to come to the adults in their lives if someone did not listen to them when they said yes or no. They will know who the safe adults are in their lives, and that leads into adulthood. It leads into every single relationship we make throughout our lives.

This discussion around consent is important, because as children grow up, if they are taught their voice doesn’t hold weight or value, it is harder to use it. Society teaches women we must be accommodating to men in our lives. We are taught to be the caretaker of others and the home, that “boys will be boys” and we need to manage our own emotions surrounding that, and we are taught to be more responsible because women mature faster than men. Instead of teaching women we need to learn how to “better protect” ourselves, we need to teach what consent looks like and means from an early age to everyone.

Some Thoughts & How You Can Help
It took a long time to write this blog post. As someone who served as a police officer in the military, I saw my fair share of domestic violence, assault, and victim blaming. After leaving the military, I worked in crisis intervention and suicide prevention, where a significant amount of people that I have worked with and talked to over the past 6 years have experienced some form of assault: physical, emotional, sexual, completed, or attempted. The lasting effects of this trauma can be devastating on a person’s life. Lack of trust, feelings of betrayal and abandonment, and an inability to feel safe in one’s own home are not easy to work through or move past. Having a person hear your story and truly listen and be with them in the darkness they experienced is so incredibly important in the process of healing.
This is not an easy subject to talk, write, or read about. It is certainly not easy to listen to, but it is so incredibly important we do. It is also not easy to feel like you have done justice in describing the severity of an issue such as this. If nothing else comes from this, I hope the next time someone talks to you about an assault, whether it is discussing news of the day or their lives, listen. Just listen. Don’t try to find the “other side” of the argument, or try to give platitudes/cliche responses; just listen and sit with them.

“Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless.” – Dave G. Llewelyn

Resources:
Hotlines & Helplines:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 TTY 800-787-3224
Love is Respect – National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: 866-331-9474 TTY 866-331-8453
Strong Hearts Native Helpline:844-762-8483

Information on Ending & Preventing Sexual Violence:
Raliance: https://www.raliance.org/
CDC “Sexual Violence is Preventable”

Grief & Loss: Why is it so difficult to talk about?

Grief. A word that elicits pain and sorrow just by the mere mention of it. Maybe you recall a specific instance or experience, or a whole host of them. We all get touched by grief in some form. So why is this a topic to write about? I say because of these very reasons. We all have our own coping skills, healthy or unhealthy; our own ways of talking about it; our own ways of trying to be there for others; and our own ways our bodies react to it. But what is common among all of us, is that when we hear of someone else grieving, we feel those responses inside and know the pain they are feeling to some degree.

“Grief and loss happen to everyone. We’ve all felt misunderstood during times of great pain. We’ve also stood by, helpless, in the face of other people’s pain. We’ve all fumbled for words, knowing no words can ever make it right.” Megan Devine, It’s Ok that you’re Not Ok: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture that Doesn’t Understand

Grief isn’t just about death and dying. Grief is about loss. The loss of a person is one form of grief, but what about our relationships, our livelihood, our health? These all take a toll on us as well. They all represent a form of grief and loss. Relationships are often at the core of someone’s life. Family/friends/significant other – they all bring something into our lives, and the lack of those things can be very overwhelming when they are gone. Our livelihood impacts us in different ways as well. The loss of a job, for example: this causes a person to have to change their everyday lives. Patterns, ways of caring for ourselves, or our family causes significant stressors and can significantly impact our mental health. Which brings me to our health. Sickness, in all it’s forms, makes it hard to do the things we used to. Whether it is our own sickness, or that of a loved one – it impacts the way we see the world, how we relate to it, and what we feel is important in the world. Being at the hospital, or at hospice with your loved one can feel more important than work, other people, and ourselves. We cherish the moments we have instead of trying to run to the next thing we have planned for the day. Time both speeds up and slows down. Grief and loss affect us all.

As a Veteran, and working with Veterans, I come across grief and loss in its many forms every day. On top of everything I have mentioned above, there are specific experiences that come with being a Veteran that adds to the struggles we all face day-to-day, and I want to discuss and bring to light what some of these struggles are: traumatic loss and, eventually when discharged, the loss of a community. We build connections throughout our time in the service, we move around and build up these networks of people that become part of a huge and diverse community. When we discharge from the military it takes us out of this community and puts us right back into a lifestyle that doesn’t quite fit anymore. The people back home expect a version of us that has been shaped and changed over our time in service. Regardless of whether a service member has deployed, they have gone through boot camp, their technical school, and lived on their own – often for the first time in their lives. They have learned about people from all over the country and the different lifestyles they come from. You are forced into this diversity that makes you question everything you know. It is hard to jump back into a community that you grew apart from. New people back home you meet have preconceived notions about who you are because you are a Veteran. School is hard because everyone seems so young. It’s hard to fit in and for people to understand why your viewpoints are so different. During all of this, your military friends are spread out all over the country. It can be hard to admit to others that you’re struggling. This leads a lot of Veterans to struggle with different mental health issues. The very thing in the military that was looked at as weak. Stigma in the military is still present. Even though it has been trying to get better there is a long way to go, and I hope I live to see a day where stigma isn’t present around the idea of getting help. Why have the idea of a battle buddy if not to show that sometimes we need to lean on each other and get help?

Traumatic loss. A topic that never gets easier to talk about. The military is confronted with it more often due to the nature of the job. If a service member didn’t deploy – they know someone who has. People who deployed may not have witnessed combat – but they know someone who has. We are all connected to traumatic loss. High combat exposure, which is just about any Veteran who was in a combat zone across all eras of Veterans, affects us medically and mentally. The atrocities of war are not something everyone has to witness. And it never truly gets easier. What does happen, is Veterans become numb to cope better. You cannot watch someone go down and grieve in that moment – it puts others and yourself at risk. One of two things happen – you become angry or numb. Neither one of these is truly good for a person. We need to allow ourselves to feel, because if we become numb the positive emotions become harder to feel and it spirals down. Anger isn’t healthy long term because it affects our brain chemistry and our bodies. Stress from our experiences, our losses, and from the very nature of the jobs we do in the military have a huge impact on our physical health. Chronic pain and orthopedic problems are some of the largest struggles Veterans report. All of these changes in our bodies, without proper support and help, can potentially lead to another form of traumatic loss – suicide. Suicidal thoughts are, unfortunately, a huge deal in the active military and veteran communities. Everything I have already discussed plays a part in how someone can get to this point.

Suicidal struggles don’t happen overnight. They are built up over time through different experiences that have caused a significant amount of physical and/or psychological pain. It is built up through things a person has, or hasn’t, done; losses they have experienced; stigma; and lack of perceived support. This idea of being a burden on those around us. Pain associated with talking about everything and worrying that person will then judge them or walk away. A completion of suicide causes another form of traumatic loss for those who are left behind. The thoughts of “what did I miss,” “what could I have done differently,” and so on bombard the mind constantly. This form of tragic loss affects us differently than other kinds of loss because we cannot understand it in the same way. Other losses – sickness, war, accidents all have someone else to blame. Someone, or something else, to point the finger at. This kind of loss forces a person to point the finger at the person who is gone, the people in their lives, and the systems that prevented a person from getting the help they needed. They are fights no one can “win,” or seek some form of justice for.

How does one cope with these sorts of grief and loss? There is no perfect, easy answer; and it may take time to find something that truly seems to work. Counseling is a good place to start. It’s a safe, judgment free place to talk about the way these losses have affected our overall well-being and start the process of untangling the pain from every aspect of our lives. Support groups are also something to consider. They can bring people together to talk about the pain in a way another person understands on a deeper level. Other coping skills that some find to be helpful: doing something, a physical act, in honor and memory of the person who is gone; journaling about the person and the pain felt by their loss; talking to others who knew the person; finding time to take care of ourselves; walking/hiking/biking; and things that out of this context would be enjoyable. Also remembering that it is okay to be angry, upset, and in pain. They may not feel good, but your emotions are valid and should be allowed to be expressed – as long as you are not harming yourself and others it is healthy to let out these emotions. If you are doing these things or thinking about it, it is a good idea to talk to a mental health professional.

“Acknowledgement is one of the few things that actually helps. What you’re living can’t be fixed. It can’t be made better. There are no solutions. That means that our course of action inside grief is simple: helping you gauge what’s ‘normal’ and finding ways to support your devastated heart.” Megan Devine, It’s Ok that you’re Not Ok: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture that Doesn’t Understand

To be there for the people in your life who are in the grips of grief: it’s okay to just sit and be there with someone. You don’t need to have all the answers, you don’t need to be perfect in your comfort, and you don’t need to understand what they are going through to have empathy. Ask if they know what they need – and if it’s taking time to be alone, try to remember it isn’t about you in that moment. Sometimes people don’t know what they need. In these cases, if you are close with them, the everyday things can be hard to handle. Cooking dinner is hard, cleaning is hard, taking care of others is hard. If you have the ability to help in these areas, and they allow you in (if they do not, remember it is not about you) – these are the things you can do for them.

Grief and loss affect us all in different, but similar, ways. Remembering what you needed in those times will help you be there for others in a more effective way. Be patient with yourself and with others in your life. Understanding that grief is not a competition or a “who has it worse” situation. We do not know what another person is going through to the full extent – there is no way you can truly know that another person hasn’t felt similarly to you. We need to remember needing someone else is not a weakness. Needing to have comfort in difficult times is not a weakness. It can be one of the most difficult things to reach out to someone. That takes strength and courage. Be kind to yourself, and be kind to one another.

Learning to say “No.”

Have you ever been in a situation where you just wanted to say no to an event, party, or get together; but you feel obligated to say yes? Or maybe a situation where you said yes, and 100% meant it in that moment, but day of, you aren’t feeling up to going any longer? I am going to guess most people reading this have found themselves in situations exactly like these or similar.

This is a topic I am all too familiar with, and is something I still struggle with to this day. The idea of saying no feels wrong, like we are disappointing others, or feels like it may backfire. We want to connect with others, spend time with people we care about, be a team-player, and we want to appear as people who are willing to do whatever it takes (situations may vary – friends/family/work). My question to you, and what I have already asked myself many times, is why doesn’t the idea of saying no fall under this idea of “whatever it takes.” To not over-commit ourselves or stretch our mind, body, and soul too far. To put up healthy boundaries for our mental wellness.

Why does this happen? Why do we put ourselves in situations that make us uncomfortable, regretful, or remorseful? Is it the fear of missing out? Fear of conflict? Guilt? Obligation? There are many things that could attribute to our reasoning. We could blame society for pushing the idea of being “yes men/women,” or that women are raised to please others; our cultural upbringings; and/or our environments in which we grew up in or work(ed) in. The result of these reasons often ends up putting us in situations we would rather not be.

As I mentioned, this idea may not fit completely into someone’s cultural experience, history, or self. Group- centered cultures may be less likely to dive into confrontation because of its collective nature. Being taught that the collective is more important than our own selves can make it difficult to say no, and can hamper our ability to take care of ourselves in situations as we grow.

Always saying yes puts us in situations where we are exhausted, irritable, and stressed. If you are trying to fit in another commitment in a schedule that is already full, you are doing yourself a disservice to your quality of life. None of this means you need to start running around telling everyone no, or not committing to anything, it simply means to start prioritizing your needs. There is a middle ground. Saying no to everything could mean missing out on situations that may be good for you; however, saying yes to everything enables those around you to rely on you more heavily than you may be comfortable with. Making time for the things you enjoy is just as important as being there for others around you. The former puts you in a position to be more fully present with those you care about, and gives you less resentment in your life if you feel like you are missing out. Establishing your personal boundaries is crucial. Your boundaries also do not need to be comparable to another’s, we all have different limits in our lives.

“We must say “no” to what, in our heart, we don’t want. We must say “no” to doing things out of obligation, thereby cheating those important to us of the purest expression of our love. We must say “no” to treating ourselves, our health, our needs as not as important as someone else’s. We must say “no.” ― Suzette R. Hinton

How do I figure out whether I say yes or no when invited to an event?

What do you want in this situation?
If I say yes, what am I saying no to?
Where are your priorities in this situation? Is self-care on this list?
Think about it before you answer, instead of having the knee-jerk reaction to please others. Make sure you are giving the answer you won’t regret.
Are you going to regret saying yes later?
Check in with your body – are you already exhausted, does the request itself make you tired, are you experiencing a headache or other physical symptom that has come on suddenly?
Ask yourself – do I really want to do this? If that becomes a difficult question to ask yourself, have a conversation with someone you trust.

“When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.”

– Paul Coelho

You may be thinking to yourself, “well, that sounds all well and great, but I have a hard time physically saying no;” this next part is for you. What are some ways to say no?

When do you need to know by?
May I take a day to think this through?
I have a prior commitment.
I wish I could, but I can’t take on any more responsibilities this week.
Thank you for thinking of me, unfortunately I must say no at this time.
You’re welcome to ____. I am willing to _____. [Putting up boundaries and letting them know where your involvement ends gives a clear indication of what you are/are not willing to do in a situation.]
I would love to get together, but _______ doesn’t work for me at this time.
No thank you.

Remember the following:

You do not need to provide an excuse or reason defending your decision to say no.
Give yourself permission to say no
Establishing personal boundaries is important
You do not need to apologize for saying no.
Being authentically you is more important than pleasing everyone.
See the good in saying no. Allowing time and space for yourself is essential to ensuring we are there for others.
You are only human. You cannot do and be everything to everyone.
Your friends are not your friends because you say yes to everything.
Your family is still your family, even if you don’t give them 100% all the time.
“No” is a complete sentence.

“Real freedom is saying ‘no’ without giving a reason.” – Amit Kalantri

Sometimes saying no isn’t the best advice in every situation. We need to know ourselves and figure out where we can have this leniency. When we are caring for children or parents, sometimes it is not the best option. This does not mean we don’t take time for ourselves during this time. Caring for others is exhausting and it takes its toll. Figuring out your priorities allows you the space to put those (people and situations) we cannot say no within that hierarchy. These situations also call for a re-evaluation of your boundaries, and what you are willing to put into a specific person/situation. This can include looking to those around you to see how they can assist you in this situation.

Ask yourself this: am I doing enough self-care, am I practicing compassionate self-care, do I know my own value (to include my time and energy).

Want to hear a little more about this topic? Check out the following TED Talks:

Sarri Gilman, MA, MFT author of “Transform Your Boundaries” – Good Boundaries Free You

Dr. Caryn Aviv – Say No to Say Yes

Katherine Mulski – Having the Courage to Say No